| my left contact is ripped and my vision is blurry mystical |
[20 Mar 2009|11:47am] |
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My cat thing thinks he's a dog. He's licking the dried up remnants of saliva encrusted dry dog food. I can hear his tongue scraping against the stainless steel bowl and it echoes. I guess he likes the way it tastes, because there is a full bowl of cat food right next to it. I think my cat genuinely suffers from anxiety and loss of identity. He should be prescribed lots of medication, as should my dog.
The onset of both of their depressions came about when Skittles moved in. Everyone went "Awwww" when he came out of an Omaha Steaks box, because he was that tiny. He went through multiple names. Everyone had ideas; Rocky, Skittles, Kenshin, Neko-chan...the whole process leaving us even more endeared to the tiny kitten thing, moreso than our dog. Lucielle of Staffordshire had been decided prior. She had also been aqcuired prior; much.
My dad was just disappointed that there was no steak. But he's just bitter because our last cat didn't work out so well. Dad spent most of the time cleaning up its crap and consoling our guests. This last cat was named Paul, or Paw. The name was meant to be something of an eggcorn, or a malaprop. I thought it was witty when I was a kid. I loved that cat to death. They took it away to a farm. I blame most of my adolescent depression on this event. It's not my fault that the cat would attack people from behind corners. It's not my fault that the cat was upset about being domesticated. It just was.
After that, we tried our hand at a dog. A dog is probably the only animal that can bear to love another being more than it loves itself--this is only half the problem of the heartbreak. The other half is that being a dog is boring when you have cancer. Being anything with cancer probably gets boring. I blame her tumors on the lawn service, really. The Trugreen Chemlawn people used to come every few months to treat our lawn with a solution, 53% of which is ingredients that are known carcinogens. I think that if my dad knew this, he would cry. I think he just wanted to make the lawn look nice; it’s part of living in suburbia. People get interested in their lawns and homes once they start making real money. But I don’t blame this on my dad at all. It’s not his fault, and it’s not about whose fault this is, although I know exactly who is at fault here. “Chemlawn” is god damn sickening to me, and poor advertising anyway. Lucielle of Staffordshire sleeps all the time. It makes me sad to watch, and I want to ask around about it. I want to ask people about what their dogs do all day and night. But I think this is pretty normal for a dog that’s slowly dying. She used to have epilepsy and I would hold her when she had seizures. It’s better that she’s sleeping than seizuring, I think.
They can’t stand each other though, really. The dog hides her ball, the cat finds it and can play with it better than the dog. But the dog loves the ball. The cat just tosses it around when he has nothing else to do.
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[20 Mar 2009|11:21am] |
All of my family members switched to Tom's Natural Deoderant while I was at school lol it's adorable.
Going to gmomz today for lunch and jap studying. Got the family together for a nice dinner, it was special cause Heather was there!!! We had salad with the secret dressing ( I know this recipe btw), pork chops (?? i don't eat this but i think that's what it's called), rice, wine, green beans witih roasted almonds, and Flan and tea for dessert.
I really really like Heather and I can't wait til DA WEDDING! Maybe I will catch the bouquet. She said I could get away with wearing my prom dress, and I really want to wear it so I might, I just don't want to overdress. But I don't know--you might not be able to do that at a wedding. My dad is wearing a tux wo0owowoo I don't know what anyone else is wearing though. She showed me her dress and it's super prettyy aaa I love weddings but I've only been to Myra and Jordan's.
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| this finally made sense to me last night and it was beautiful |
[19 Mar 2009|11:13pm] |
I'll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms
I'll miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world
I'll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog and my home
Yeah, I'll miss the boredom and the freedom and the time spent alone.
There's really nothing, nothing we can do
Love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew.
The models will have children, we'll get a divorce
We'll find some more models, everything must run it's course.
-MGMT
god these are incredible lyrics. absolutely beautiful! how could someone possibly be more dead on? what a predicament we are in! and yet, there really is nothing we can do!
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| alien town! population: the few |
[19 Mar 2009|10:31pm] |
i don't think i deserve to be at college and i am a fucking alien anyways. i feel so fucked up. i don't want to sit in my basement anymore i can't take this motherfucking fuck shit crap iaeagnrg i can't stop playing fallout 3 i love the premise and philosophy behind it
BUT I HATE BEING HERE
GET ME OUT OF HERE
stay here where i can't take anything seriously?
OR GO BACK TO SCHOOL AND PRETEND THIS ISN'T REAL? live in a fantasy world...constantly deny...etc...become more boring
i don't know, which would you pick?
i swear to god i am becoming more and more boring until i just turn into a motherfucking computer
everyone wants to make me boring
well i'm not boring, maybe i'm just different
i hate them and their stupid trivial slow moving shit. let's do things at a glacial pace more often why don't we?!?!i wish everyone wanted to move 50000 times FASTER than maybe this place wouldn't be full of such fuckinghoishgsiohteshshitsquisbrains
but then i can't make up my mind agian...would you please move slower for me so i can process what you are saying?? actually, wait, can you please make me memorize more? just double the amount of useless crap you want me to memorize why don't you. or maybe you could just cancel school for a few weeks and then we will what's going to happen next? i know that this one doesn't care, but how else will i sort all this out. i need to do something because i certainly don't want to be like this forever. could i be any more vague? at least i know in my own mind.
at least i know what's going on. i'm grateful for this. at least, i THINK i know what's going on. ever get really paranoid? that maybe you're really just part of some grand inside joke, but you're being laughed at? because that's realy how i feel right now and i don't think it's right so i'm done with it. soon enough. now's not the time.
will an arm grow out of my stomach?
maybe i'll become addicted like everyone else
or develop a second personality
i already feel so goddamn illusioned i can't take it. i dont' want your stupid fatty american culture anymore and i don't want to sit around staring at a TV and i don't want to listen to all this horrible music. all i want to do is sit around all day and do everything that i CAN'T DO. i want to do what i want to do when i want to do it and i don't want to follow your stupid rules or do anything you tell me to
oo
does it sound like i am in a bad state? well let me tell you, internet journal, i'm not in the best. i feel so dissatisfied with myself and everything i do. i hate looking at the mirror and picking out everything i hate about myself, i just want to cut off all my hair so i won't have to deal with this anymore! i am so lazy that i can't even do the dumb shit i need to do for school right now and i don't ccare 9fwe4fjeio4tu93wtgfjdggoskrw03rfikc i think i want to NOT smoke weed anymore because i think that is a part of my life that i am moving past. i had the WORST TIME last night smoking weed. let me tell you it's all about the people for sure. i definintely don't like sitting in basements where it's freezing and sitting there forever being so high that i think i'm going to die, yes, i think for the first time i actually had a horrible panic attack and just thought i'm going to die if i don't get outside all i want to do is get outside and then when i got there, i was greeted by the cold and bitter winter's night! thus leaving me to recognize that there is NO connect between my emotion and nature, feel so disconnected when it's like this outside. for some reason which ESCAPES me my body can't seem to circulate its blood well enough to keep me warm in the slightest. for heavens sake, what must i do? drink carton upon carton of soysauce to make my blood pressure higher? every time i go to the doctor now i bet you it's going to get worse and worse, and soon, i'll be heaving my cold tired body out into the cold night where i will freeze to death before i make it close enough to find emergency help! and then you know the world will be much more boring again. thank god!
you know, i can't stop thinking about things. and they aren't the good ones. my mind is like running 3403434 miles an hour right now and it's circling through the worst of the worst, like a pool full of algaed water and leaves, if you bring circulation to it, that cruddy stuff moves around! and eventually it settles back down into the bottom of the pool again but for now i can't swim around without getting its DISGUSTING mucky muck all over my skin and in my hair!!!!!!!
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[19 Mar 2009|10:28pm] |
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I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE. SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME.
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[15 Mar 2009|08:03pm] |
i want to go somewhere: iceland. i think it would be wonderful to live there. it seems really desolate. solitary is good when you are trying to accomplish something big. i want to follow in my great grandfather's footsteps. this is him
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ukichiro_Nakaya
note: after reading his wiki, i realized that they spelled my aunt's name wrong :(
i don't know what it is yet, but i want to live the way he did. research, drink, live somewhere no one can bother me. discover something great. then die.
having a museum about you would be a perk too, but it's definitely not required.
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[13 Mar 2009|07:06am] |
i love waking before the sun rises. i seem to be making it into a daily habit. it feels so good.
i swear this place is full of asbestos
last night megan and i watched brainman. daniel tammet is amazing. i miss the math teacher that told me about that movie.
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[10 Mar 2009|08:14pm] |
omgg can i just say that i HATE using computers. i just don't get it. why am i so dumbbb. engineering class today was so impossible to do. i felt like everyone got it but me. the guy who was explaining how to do something on PRO/E and he was going like 383838 million miles a minute. i had to get the TA to help me like every 5 seconds :( why can't i get it aghhh. no one understands meee. school is so hard
spring break starts this weekend.
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[09 Mar 2009|07:41am] |
sorry i was late for class and didn't do my homework. i felt like i had dream obligations and i couldn't wake up. it was really weird. in my waking state i had made all these promises to people in my dreams and in real life but i thought i missed them when i started waking up.
i found this box at matt's house and when you open it up you remember all your dreams!
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[08 Mar 2009|02:32pm] |
Our house in the middle of the street
Why did we ever meet?
Started my rock 'n' roll fantasy
Don't don't, don't let's start
Why did we ever part?
Kick start my rock 'n' roll heart
I'm on my feet
I'm on the floor
I'm good to go
So come on Davey, sing me something that I know
I want to always feel like part of this was mine
I want to fall in love tonight
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| musings from the 14th grade |
[03 Mar 2009|11:23am] |
i don't think i am cut out for college. people say everything happens for a reason, but i have yet to find any reason why i can't do this shit no matter how hard i try. seriously what the fuck. i feel like an alien at this school. everyone is good at something but me. sometimes i think i can do math and science fine, but then i remember that there's nearly an infinite amount of people who can do this shite with their eyes closed.
this school isn't helping me figure out who i am, it's only helping me become more boring. instead of helping me realize what i'm good at, they send me e-mail after e-mail about what i have to do and/or what i can't do.
whose idea was it to set up limited enrollment programs? think of the thousands of people who worked hard to get into this school, only to spend the first two years of college in nerve-wracking frenzical attempts to get...accepted...again? why doesn't president mote just wake the fuck up and realize that if the school accepts less people, we won't need limited enrollment programs. then everyone could do what they wanted. you know, like a real school.
since i'm a transfer student, the reality of this circumstance affects me every day of my life. i have one last chance to follow the career path of my dreams. one last semester, one last opportunity. and you know what? it doesn't matter how bad i want it. it's not about how creative i am, and it's not about how smart i am. it's about getting a 4.0. it's about fucking numbers.
this is me versus the school. man versus institution. seriously, who do YOU think is going to win?
last year, i watched one of my friends get rejected from the school of music over and over again. now, he's majoring in english, forced to pretend that it hadn't always been his dream to sing professionally. why does this school insist on denying us what we came here to get?
i get it; life doesn't always work out the way you want it to, and sometimes you have to learn the hard way. but this is about more than that. this is about money. in the place where there should be some great master of academia helping students get what they came for, there is instead some skeevy, conniving, balding guy who's profiting from our failures.
maybe. in my wildest dreams.
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[28 Feb 2009|02:57pm] |
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i had a dream that i got comments on my livejournal and also about other things (nightmare)
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| i'm going to update more now |
[26 Feb 2009|10:57pm] |
hey i'm going to update my livejournal more often. megan and i are making a movie btw it's in no way actually happening or meant to be taken seriously. harmony korine once said: "I just wanted to write the American novel... I mean, well, at least, I wanted it to be American." flight of the conchords is okay i've decided but i have no intentions to watch it to be honest. chem test tomorrow, i hope i don't fail. my chemistry professor was talking about quantum spin the other day and someone asked why electrons spin. and he said "i don't know, because the dude says it, and he means it!" kinda thing thats funniest when you see it happen for the first time. megan lahman said i'm looking nice today ;) i didnt do anything spectacular to myself tonight i saw joel steven and kathyrin perform wonderful music mar was there and she is one of the nicest people i know but slightly crazy? in a good way of course. i learned how to make code to make my robot go today i said go forward turn right go straight stop turn left, go straight, wait. of course that's not the code, but who actually cares about that? programming robots is really cool because you are telling a system to remember commands and autonomously execute them it's like making a brain. one thing that you can do in programming robots is say "if: (command, maybe a light sensor reading a black value), then (consequence). that's where you really get to think. to make something walk doing if/then and light sensors you can say
loop forever if:(black) left fan off. else: left fan on. if:(white) right fan off. else right fan on. that would produce a walking movement
pretty bad explanation but that's all i have to sa about that i'm spending the night at megans house and i love typing it feels great.
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[26 Feb 2009|07:16pm] |
OMG must haves: a crackup at the race riots by harmony korine. i NEEd this.
questions to ask god/my TA: why is the quantum spin number 1/2
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| mrs. being young and carefree |
[26 Feb 2009|03:39pm] |
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who are you nowadays? you have so much creativity to instill, and yet you must passively observe. too much junk upstairs that i need to get rid of. necromancing with an internet journal only adds to the problem; the brief sense of accomplishment or pride is fleeting and unnecessary anyway. i miss my old head. too much stress nowadays. loss, adaptation, living like a worker ant; it all takes up more room than i have. miss my old bed and better half/ves. miss it much but must move on. oranges get peeled and someone eats up the inside and throws away the peel. but the peel still smells like sweet stuff and all its good vibes get recycled back into the crust.
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[25 Dec 2008|03:16pm] |
christmas is fun. i got a trapper hat, animal crossing, and a network adapter for xbox360. i got a few other things too but those were my favorite. oh and i got a gift card to sephora! so this morning was pretty good but the past two days were actually pretty good until i realized that my grades suck and i have to go back to school and they will probably just get worse. what should i do? maybe i will start taking the kind of medicine that makes me focus. i had a 3.5 gpa when i was doing that and now i have like a 2.7 gpa once I stopped taking them. don't wanna though. hate it. so bad. omg. so. BORANG.
whatever. beat happening is so badass.
megan and matt are coming over tomorrow from the cum
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[23 Dec 2008|08:44am] |
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i'm the worst when i'm drunk. i won't come out of my room.
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[22 Dec 2008|04:12pm] |
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i can't get into the engineering school. i am too late by 6 credits. fuck my life.
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| why do they take away the only thing that makes me happy |
[21 Dec 2008|02:08pm] |
At the behest of San Francisco and 13 states, including California, distributor MillerCoors LLC is taking the caffeine out of its Sparks line of energy drinks, which list ginseng, taurine and 6 to 7 percent alcohol among its other ingredients. "We're doing it to protect the public health of our young people and to reform business practices," said S.F. City Attorney Dennis Herrera. He estimated the agreement, announced Thursday, removes 85 percent of caffeine-spiked booze from the market.
hey i know that sparks is safe for me to drink because it doesn't feel bad when i drink it so just let me do what i want and stuff and junk or something. i am going to start stocking up because on January 10th they will disappear forever.
christmas is weird
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